Sunnydays4am

Dear self,

How could you let him so that? How could you let yourself drink so much, and not be able to stop him?

You didn't even try. You didn't kick, you didn't scream. No, I don't want to hear that you tried. You didn't try hard enough.

Why me? Why can I not live a day without seeing that face, without tasting the sourness of his mouth, without feeling cold and forgotten as he got up and walked away?

I refuse to let you do this again, but how could I stop it? I didn't stop it then, how could I stop it now?

I hate you, I hate me, I hate that this has brought me to my end. I hate that I can not let go, I hate that I know it was my fault. I hate that I can't tell anyone. I want to tell a friend, but who would that be? I want to tell my mom, but she wouldn't beleive me. I want to scream it out. I want to never say anything thing else ever again. I want to be non-existant without having to die.


Most of all...I want to be able to trust you...me.


I want to be able to trust myself, my life, my everything...

Maybe someday. But, not today...not today.


-Melinda

When I was reading Ruby's first entry, I was shocked about the fact that we were both impacted by the same passage in Speak. "Maybe I will be an artist if I grow up."

Now that sounds odd, I know. Who doesn't think about what they will be when they grow up. But this is not what Melinda said. "Maybe I will be an artist IF I grow up." If. There is so much power in that if.

That if purposes a large question that is stuck between Melinda's heart and mind. Is she going to live to be what ever it is her heart wants to be? Is it worth her dreaming about? Is her future worth spending time thinking about, is it going to be what she dreams it to be?

While reading into this statement a significant amount, I was stuck on how much it sounded like many of my own diary entries. As a high school freshman, there were many times where I could not decide it thinking about my future was silly or not. I didn't want to plan for something and have it turn out differently. But this is nothing compared to what Melinda was going through. I can not fathom how a victum of rape refuses to look into her future too much.

I think that might be a way to start discussion with the students. I think that stopping to talk to my students about what they think about their future might be intersting. Not only what they think about their future but I would have them look through Melinda's eyes and into her future. I think this might be a great writing assignment. Having students look through anothers eyes and try to see into that person's future. What a great way to get kids thinking, expanding their minds, fueling their imaginations and getting them deeper into the character of Melinda.

“When people don’t express themselves, they die one piece at a time. You’d be shocked at how many adults are real dead inside – walking through their days with no idea who they are, just waiting for a heart attack or cancer or a Mack truck to come along and finish the job. It’s the saddest thing I know” (122).

I could not have connected with this passage more. I think that kids go through their school without expressing themselves, either because they don’t know how or are not encouraged to do so. I think that as a teacher, it is my duty to encourage students to express themselves. Giving kids options, encouraging when I see progress or that spark in their eyes, and simply being there as a resource for my students to throw out questions or thoughts.

I am in awe of the teacher in Speak, Mr. Freeman. He is the one that said the preceding statement about people not expressing themselves. I want to be the teacher that inspires a student. I want to see the spark in a kids eye that tells me he finally connects with a piece of literature or finally understands how to write a thesis statement. I want to be the teacher that students feel a connection to, even if it is only to tell me hello in the hallways. I want students to be able to open up to me if they need to. But most of all, I want to provide kids with the opportunity to enjoy learning.

This desire is why I enjoyed Mr. Freeman’s character so much. Mr. Freeman was that teacher to Melinda. He was the outlet that allowed Melinda to escape, to expand, and to finally let go after being pushed in his art class.


As much as Mr. Freeman’s character was one of the many minor characters in the book, I was impacted by him more than a majority of the people. His passion for kids (and his own work) makes me want to be in a classroom, with that same passion for teaching and desire to inspire a student. I want to give my students the chance to live a life alive, instead of walking around, dead inside. I want to show them how to express what is inside them, live their lives, and grow in themselves because of it.